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Reflection, Introspection, and Why I Haven’t Answered Your Email

Let me preface this bout of rambling with one clear and indisputable fact: objectively speaking, 2024 was not a horrible year.

Good Things happened in 2024. 

First of all, you happened. I will be eternally grateful to the generous and kind hearted folks who had both the wherewithal and willingness to step up to the plate and help by reading, liking, sharing, and contributing to my GoFundMe Campaign when I was at an extremely low point in my life and at my absolute wit’s end. I won’t go into great detail on that subject, right now. Those among you who know, know–and I thank you with every fiber of my being. Those who don’t know, don’t need to worry about it but please know I’m also grateful for your presence, love of the SFF genre, and unspoken support of my creative journey.

My climate-fiction themed short story, Water Baby, was published in the Summer 2024 issue of The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction. This encourages me to no end because it’s an iconic magazine in which some of my favorite SFF writers (like Ray Bradbury, for starters) have been published. SF&F is also a magazine that my mother has been reading and loved since she was a child, so seeing my work published there was a particularly touching experience.

I was overjoyed to learn that Alex Brown with Must Read Short Speculative Fiction: September 2024 in Reactor Magazine and Charles Payseur with Strange Horizons, F&SF, and Kaleidotrope: Short Fiction Reviews by Charles Payseur in Locus Magazine both had some pretty nice things to say about Water Baby. I was surprised and thrilled that Alex revealed in their review that they had already been aware of and actually liked my writing. Charles also included Water Baby in 2025 Recommended Reading list. This positive feedback from two prolific individuals in the SFF community, who I admire, gave me a certain sense of validation I don’t recall ever having experienced before–as far as writing goes.

2024 was a Shit Year

Some not-so-great things were going on that had a cumulatively devastating impact on my mental health. My money situation, despite me working a full-time job, was untenable– it still is.  I spent most of 2024 wrestling with worry and anxiety about paying household bills and, at one point, even keeping a roof over my head.

Dealing with serious health issues compounded the intense amount of stress I was going through. To make matters worse, due to the aforementioned health stuff, I had to be taken off Adderall which is the only drug that seems to curb my ADHD. This has made concentrating on work, writing, and reading next to impossible and I worry constantly about the possibility of becoming jobless as a result.

I am not Okay

So many of you–kind souls and great friends–have reached out asking how I’m doing. You ask if I need anything and if I’m okay. I haven’t been able to respond because I don’t want to feel like I’m some trauma-dumping Negative Nancy or serial complainer but the truth is, I am not okay. I hate telling people this. At the same time, I find the prospect of smiling, nodding, lying and pretending everything is fine distasteful. It takes every ounce of physical energy and mental fortitude I possess just to get through each day and not succumb to the dread of knowing I’ll need to endure the next.  

There, I said it.

I am Going to be Okay

The objective part of my brain–the part that’s not constantly trying to kill me– is well aware that none of the undesirable things I’ve mentioned above means the end of the world. It knows that there are millions of wonderful people in the world who have it far worse than I do. It knows that. It even knows that those persistent thoughts that no one cares about me, has ever cared, or ever will aren’t quite true… I mean, I hope they’re not…?

I have so much for which to be grateful. I do think that I haven’t adequately expressed my thanks to those among you who have reached out expressing and demonstrating your support in 2024. I know some of you have probably already given up on hearing back from me. Despite my apologies for leaving you hanging, you have your own mental health to protect, and I completely understand.To those among you who haven’t yet: I’m doing my best to switch mental gears and get back into the swing of things. Although I ask, please bear with me, and don’t worry. 

You will hear from me soon.

Are you Okay?

And you?

How are you doing?

How are things going for you right now?

What are some things you’re looking forward to in 2025?


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2 thoughts on “Reflection, Introspection, and Why I Haven’t Answered Your Email”

    1. I’m so sorry you and and your fam had such a tough year, Mark! I’m glad you can still be optimistic and hope for better times. I do hope those better times hurry the heck up and get here for you though.

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